I am not really sure where to start, what to say but here it is. I am sad, lonely, depressed and I feel stuck.
Let’s rewind a little, I grew up surrounded by mum, brothers and sisters. After dad passed away, we kinda got closer but we never really talked about it. You just have to grow up and keep strong. When mum decided it was time to rebuild a new life, we all reacted differently. Some were happy about the move, I was not. I felt like for the second time, my life got taken away from me.
In the new place, I got put into a school I didn’t choose. Far from my brothers and sisters, I didn’t fit, I didn’t belong. I was a good student, did my degrees and when the time came, I fled to the UK.
I had nothing to loose, I didn’t feel recognised, valued, loved by family or friends, so why not try somewhere else and leave it all behind. But you never leave it behind, do you ?
After graduating, moved in with a girl, 5 years later, all was finished. Moved to London to start it all over again. I am in a circle, a vicious circle in which everything crumbles everytime it gets to a point where I think it can work.
I have a good job, I have travelled and seen amazing places, I have been with beautiful women and done a lot of things with people, but this loneliness is killing me.
I do a lot of work on myself, meditation, yoga, self development course, reading, law of attraction and so on but at the end of the day I go home alone. They say you should focus on you, do whatever you love, be whoever you want to be and love will come knocking at your door. I have been done all this for the past 4 years, and still no knocking at my door I should install a door somehow. I had relationships and flings, but nothing to do with love.
I am who I am, I have struggled all this far but I managed to beat it all. I am here alive, breathing, seeing, laughing, crying and for all that I am grateful. I have a job, a place to sleep, food to eat and the world at the end of my fingertips.
I often feel lost, depressed and that there are no possibilities for me anymore, but I truly believe deep down that everyone deserves a chance to shine, to love and be loved in return.
It takes courage to go out there and be yourself, you will stand alone, people will not understand you and make judgement about you, your behaviour, twist your words and try to bring you down to their level. As human being we are stronger together than alone, we thrive, grow and surpass any obstacles thrown our ways. But we need to stand as one, help, respect, listen, love each other.
It is a difficult battle to stand alone against it all, to stand alone against the darkness that is loneliness and depression. I am fighting this battle while typing these words. I want to know I am not alone, I am worth it and that life is worth living. I want to laugh again, to be stupid, to be creative, smart, in love.
Deep down, the flame isn’t dead.